That was the question I asked myself this morning. Should I lay myself wide open for all to see? Its not the done thing is it? Stiff upper lip, dont make a spectacle of yourself, keep it behind closed doors. There is a lot to be said for taking that approach to situations in life. But sometimes being open and honest just might speak into someone elses life and help them along the way a little. So here goes.
He was cold. I wanted to put blankets on him. I looked at my ex husband and said ‘He is so cold’ I stroked his cheek. I told him how much I loved him. I talked about the day he was born and how he had to fight for his life. ‘He fought to his last breath’ the nurse had told me on that summers day in 2014 when He went to be with the Lord.
Grief. I had heard the word of course and thought I knew what it meant. ‘What do I have to do now?’ I asked my ex husband and friends who were with me at the hospice. ‘We will take you wherever you want to go or stay here with you’. Immediately I replied ‘Please take me to Mum and Dads’. I thanked my ex husband for giving me Ken, and then we left.
Grief. Fog? Out of body experience? Main things I remember from the first few days are my Mum Dad and two sisters being there with me. My brother skype called from Aus. Its interesting how God places you where you need to be and surrounds you with the people you need most at any given time in life. I know each of them helped me in practical ways but just being there with me gave me what I needed. Dad stroked my hair when I was lying on the sofa. Lou made drinks and her smile and presence brought comfort. Mum was there being Mum and goodness I so needed mothering. Avril was such a source of strength in helping with choosing and arranging flowers I wanted for my ray of sunshine. Seeing my brothers face and hearing in his voice how much he wanted to be with us, brought comfort too.
Grief. Then comes whats like being in treacle and knowing you need to take a step, but you just don’t know how. You half- heartedly try to lift a foot, or move an arm, but its just too much. Anyway, whats the point. Everything feels pointless. But a couple of months have passed and you should be thinking of getting back to work or ‘doing something’ shouldn’t you? But there is nothing familiar anymore. Your whole family has been thrown so high up in the air and each one is not knowing where they will land. I desperately felt I just needed to curl up in a ball on Mum and Dads sofa and stay there forever. But life is supposed to go on. Isnt it?
Grief. Anger. How can everyone be carry on with their lives?? That’s what made me angry. Not only that but because they didn’t know how to help, some, felt I needed to get work so there would be some structure in my life. Grrrr. Structure. I was so angry at everyone thinking they knew what was best for me. Oh how sorry I am now for how I expressed that anger to loved ones.
Grief. Guilt. I have 3 other children and grand children and I could not be there for any of them. In my head my thoughts were ‘they all have someone’ (they were in relationships). But I was on my own. For such a long time I was self obsorbed. I could not mentally think of anyone other than myself and how I would get through the day.
Grief. Treacle disappeared and was replaced by dense fog again. Could walk, talk, work on autopilot. Was I coming back down to earth? Where was I going to land? Where had my other children and family landed?. Gradually I could, for a split second now and then, think of my other children and grand children.
Grief. Desire to keep Kens memory alive. A renewed strength in me. Energy. I must DO something. I started to plan my walk for Ken. That is when this blog began.
So why today have I felt the need to share all this with you? Since I started the walk there has been an amazing releasing and healing taking place in me, which I have tried to share with you all through my blog. There are anniversaries when I know tears may fall again but then there are times like now, when from nowhere a tidal wave of grief hits and get tossed and thrown and completely overwhelmed again.
Grief. Not a period of time. Not something you will get over. It’s a part of you that can surface at random and in varying different ways. But praise God for knowing who and what I need at any given time. I am blessed to have many good friends, family and my precious pets, and also all of you. Thank you for reading and please be encouraged for I know this will pass quicker than before. 😊