Time- numbers- Its those details again. That number of hours and minutes make 4 years, 3 hours and 39 minutes. For so long, the fear of how much time was passing, since this mothers heart, didn’t just break, but felt crushed beyond repair, was a major factor. I did not want it to be an hour, a day, a week, a year since Ken went to be with the Lord. I wanted time to stop. But it doesnt. Nothing can stop time.
The day I was joined on my walk by some other bereaved parents, one of them mentioned their family don’t mark the date of their childs death. I on the other hand each year have tried to do something positive. There is no right or wrong way. Grief is a personal journey. Recently as the 4th anniversary of Kens approached, I thought about what I wanted to do today. I see now, where I was in my grief previous years, I needed to have positive to focus on, so I was distracted on the date.
At 00.15 am this morning tears started to fall. I realised I been deliberately stopping myself from crying for quite a long time, for fear of that crushing pain taking over again and inability to stop…. I didn’t want to go back to that feeling of utter despair and tears that seem to never stop. But I did stop and, although my heart really hurts and feels heavier today, I know the pain will ease a little and I do have the will to live now.
Time is a healer I am sure many of you are thinking, and there may be a slither of truth in that. But I beg do differ. That probably sounds contradiction of what I have just written, but I have few reasons which I will share with you. The pain is different. Not due to healing. Different because more time has passed that Ken has not been part of our lives so not shared experiences and milestones in family lives. Different because the numdness of the shock and raw grief on the day is gone, so the days leading up to, the day he went, and the following days and weeks I can now remember. But… and this is what I really want to share with you all today. From moment Ken was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma to now, my faith in Jesus being my Lord and saviour has not wavered and I wanted to see God glorified through it somehow. At first I believed He would give a miraculous healing to Ken. Then for 3 days after Ken died I was convinced God would raise him from the dead. I then went through stage of thinking I should be doing something to show His glory. Then crash! I had the mental breakdown. My faith did not waver but I did wonder why God allowed so much to happen. But He taught me to just ‘Be Still and know that He is God’.
Having spent most of my life not believing in God, so handling life ‘my way’, I can say without a shadow of a doubt, I would either be an alcoholic or have killed myself by now if I had not had super natural encounter with God 15 years ago. Will power, positive thinking, self help courses, throwing self into work or a hobby I am sure many of you, (just as previously I would have), would say achieve the same as having a faith. But none of those would have been sustainable 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and had the impact within, that I experience through power of the Holy Spirit. No one will ever understand Gods ways. But I do know deep in my heart that He loves me and sent Jesus to die for us, and that Ken is in a far better place now. No pain, no suffering. Thank you Jesus.
Back to today. I am in pain, I crying bucketfalls, but I know I will see Ken again when its my time to go to be with the Lord, and that brings such comfort. I can think of the future and enjoy the blessings God pours out on me daily.
The sun comes up… yes a new day dawns and there will be a glorious unfolding. Have a blessed day everyone.