At 7.45pm on the longest day of the year, sky was blue and promise of a late sunset was evident. I live within 20 miles of Lands End and only 5 minute drive from beach, so where was I? In my kitchen getting my glass of water to have by my bed and heading for bed. I had a bit of a sniffle, but that wasn’t why. Somehow over the previous hour or so that dark fog had invaded my mind. One minute I had been working on the revised itinerary and felt I was getting somewhere. Next thing I am overwhelmed by it and down the slippery slope I went in double quick time. The responsibilities of keeping home and garden clean and tidy overwhelmed me. I don’t have OCD, but if things start to get a little muddled, mentally I cannot cope. Its not that I cant be bothered or don’t want to, it is my mental ability to cope with responsibilities that’s very limited now.
7.30 a.m. the blinds and dark curtains meant I wasn’t aware of the sunny morning. The new day dawning. I heard sea gulls, and neighbours starting to go about their daily lives. Buried my head under the pillow. I cant face anything today. Stay in the dark even though I know light is best. I always get very low and depressed in the winter months, so I know the sunshine makes me feel a lot better. But until 9.00 I just could not face coming out into the light. (For those of you reading who share my faith in Jesus, I did speak out His name and tell the enemy to get lots etc. To those of you who don’t have a relationship with the Lord, the easiest way to describe it is those two voices in our heads. The good one that encourages us and only tells us what will be good for us, and the bad one that cunningly leads us down the way of things that ultimately bad for us). End of preach lol.
In between all this I was arranging with a friend about where we will meet for walking Monday, and that was the glimmer to keep me from completely shutting down. Perfectly timed messages. 😊
So back to this morning. Came downstairs to the kitchen and tried to get my mind focused on the good voice. Do I sort the van, finish the itinerary, tidy the edges on lawn and stack things for the dump, clean the bathroom, just head out and walk all day? I had few text and emails that I should respond to. Decided on coffee and breakfast in the garden and then see what order to do things. Was Just about to head into the garden and there was a knock on the door. ‘Would you like to come with me and my wife for a trip out this afternoon to Bodmin’? 😊 😊 Almost said No, but very quickly knew it was just what I needed. Get away from the house, no thoughts of itinerary and logistics of walk for few hours. No its not a distraction, although I could understand why some may think that, but I feel sure its going to be just what I need.
One of the many mis-understandings around mental health, is you cant see the damage. You cant look and think ‘ah that’s starting to heal nicely’ You can have days, weeks when you feel you are ‘getting better’, and then for no apparent reason, be curled up in a dark room not wanting to turn the light on. Grieving or mental health problem? Is there a difference? I don’t expect anyone to answer that. Just thinking out loud.
Have blessed day everyone and sorry this not upbeat but no point in my blog if I not sharing truth of my journey.