Just what does that mean? How many of us have held our heads now and then and thought ‘I must be going mad’? Only me? As for the word mad. I Used to think it meant someone who had lost their mind. Then later in life heard the term manic depressive, (which I believe is now called Bipolar), I have had spells of depression since my mid thirties, then theres the term PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder). The latter I thought was a condition only war veterans suffered from due to the horrors and conflicts they experienced. My diagnosis of PTSD when parts of my brain shut down couple of years ago showed me that so many other traumas in life that can cause it. I am so much better now, but every now and then something triggers a panic attack or feeling of unease. Since I started the walk I have felt better than ever and it is doing me so much good in so many ways, but today that uneasy feeling came upon me and I couldn’t understand why.
I may have mentioned before communicating with people I struggle with, (feel far more at ease talking to animals). Lol. Yes I do talk to animals and I am sure they do understand. Well sort of. 😊
Driving back home I realised where the uneasy feeling has come from. For over 2 weeks I have had barely any internet, mobile signal and been away from home so no distractions or demands on me. I know the feeling of post holidays blues and getting back to reality can throw anyone. But I honestly do not have the capacity in my brain to deal with things like I used to. It concerned me a bit last night when asked where I had walked, number of miles and where was I to start today. I truly couldn’t remember. Held my head and said ‘I don’t keep details’. But its more than making a choice not to. So that frightening feeling comes back and I long to be walking and just listening to the sounds of nature, taking in the beauty of the world God created for us and praying while I walk. Talking to the butterflies and birds, (and goats 😊 ) . Is it that my brain can only deal with what is necessary at the time? Does it shut down parts that I don’t need to know or remember? The brain is so complex. Every night I check the map and all the logistical plans for the following morning, pack my backpack and have everything ready so I just have to get myself fed, washed and dressed and head off.
Its all so weird because I meet people along the way and chat and had a wonderful few days with company while I walked. I have no idea what is happening in my head, but I do know that in many ways this walk is helping me so much and if I have to be a bit ‘mad’ to function then so be it.
I am guessing that most of us are a bit mad but just hide it better than others 😊
Not the most inspiring blog today but from the heart as always. Must go as Cougs and Scarlet just asked me for their dinner lol lol.