Flashbacks and the will to live

A blade of grass amongst millions started quite a chain of thoughts. How can something so small and, to all intent and purposes, insignificant, spark a flash back to my childhood which then lead to having the will to live? (I can see why the idea of being a ‘Brain Surgeon’ was seen as unachievable in years gone by, unless you were a genius). The blade of grass caught my eye as perfect for ‘blowing’. I was taught at a very young age, the best formation of a blade of grass needed to place between thumbs and in order to get loudest possible squeak when blown. This lesson could well have been on the same day as ‘Heres a tree in summer’ with meadow grass. Actually, it was more likely to have taken many lessons over time. That memory lead to me teaching my children the same and the photograph I have of teaching Ken.

I haven’t mentioned the darkest days since Ken went to be with the Lord, but there were many and I truly believed I would never have bright days again. I didn’t have the capacity to care about anything or anyone and especially myself. In my mind I told myself my other 3 children and my grandchildren were fine and had at the time their partners and lives so they were ok. They so weren’t but I could not be them for them and that in itself was hard to accept. I just about functioned for quite a long time, which I know was thanks to many people praying for God to help me through each day. There are a few particular moments that stand out, one being when I was curled up like a baby on bench seat in motorhome I then lived in. I honestly felt like the pain in my heart was so bad I could not take another breath. That was when I cried out to Jesus saying ‘You have got to take next breath for me as I do not have the will or the energy’ From that moment breathing was easier and pain very slowly started to be bearable. I didn’t suddenly have desire to live or a miraculous healing but started on journey which 3 years later has brought me to this point, and said blade of grass. 😊

Whilst I used to be, (and am again), always the optimist, this would not be a true account of my grieving if I only shared with you the pleasure of moments in my life now. Raising awareness and funds for Bone Cancer Research Trust is main aim of this walk, but this blog I pray, will help to encourage others who struggling to see way out of their darkness.

That leads nicely on to todays activities. Unfortunately my knee is painful again so I am back to level ground walking. This morning I was quite upset about it so asked the Lord to help me see a positive and here I am writing this. 😊

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